So I have not been in the blogging mood, I am sure it is because in all honesty I am sure it is because I have not been following the plan like I should be :( I am not sure what got into me, I mean I was all ready Freddy and really it seemed that I was made for this program and then all of a sudden I started to get that feeling like "you got this, you can handle eating and not tracking every single thing" BIG MISTAKE! I have been up 3.8lbs lost 3 just to turn around and gain 2.8 back, what the heck?
Well I mean it ain't that hard to figure out I am sure it has something to do with the 8 pack of fun size snickers that I had or maybe the late night Keebler Club cracker binges I went on or hell maybe the lack of exercise, I have a feeling that all of the above could have something to do with it.
Well I have to tell you I went to my meeting last weekend and I did my weigh in and because it was the walk-it challenge day I wanted to keep up a brave face, I wanted to be happy I wanted to be ready to walk and prove that I could finish a 5K because god knows I had never tried one in the past, but to be honest in my heart I was crying, yelling and insulting myself, WHY WHY WHY and HOW HOW HOW could I let myself do this I was on a role, I was moving and shaking, I was changing, I mean I was the life of the party, I was the one who was going through with no problem, yeah that was me but here I was again, fat, tired, angry sad and even more so ashamed ASHAMED! I was again me the me I know the me I don't love the me who can not just eat one because that makes sense nooooo I have to have 9 because that just taste better and then they are gone and I don't have to see them again. What a shame, What a shame. Well I walked the 5K, I walked it with one of my favorite people and the whole time my mind was on the fact that I was back to square one in my mind, back to super fat and super stupid me, I could not focus on the fact that while I was beating myself up I was walking, walking and yup more walking! Nikki was so great she was looking back and offering me lots of encouragement, praise and she would even slow down so this big person could keep up, she was my legs, she was my cheerleader, she was my friend because god knows I was not being a friend to myself. Well I pushed on, I thought about the fact that I was almost 400lbs and here I was walking, I thought about the fact that I would rather drop dead at the finish line then to be the last one done, the fact that Nikki was there and she was not going to finish without me, I wanted to cry because the truth was I wanted to stop walking I wanted to stop and take a break I wanted to stop at the damn half way point and drink some water and get my barrings, I mean I could have and she would have understood because that is how she is, but I did not want to give myself one more thing to say that I did NOT do, so on I went. Half way let me tell you felt like the whole damn way, I am almost certin that it was over half! lol! But we passed it and I watched my chance at rest go away, moving on..........I remember when we made it back to the street we started on and Nikki said to me, see we are almost done you are doing so good, I wanted to tell her that I could not walk another step but she was smiling and talking about anything but that damn walk so I shut-up and I acted like I was listening (sorry Nik) inside I was thinking FINISH LINE PLEASE! So we started to approach the finish line and they were waiting there with the sign and Nikki says come one lets just jog through and so we did and I felt like a weight was off me, I was so tired I was so sore and I was so happy, WE DID IT! She was the best thing to me at that point someone who wanted to see me do it more then I wanted to, she believed in me and I did not, she was like a proud mama *she ought to know she is a mom of 5*. We took some pics and went to get some refreshments and they were good :) Lots of fruits and water it was the best day. I feel like I have been refreshed after that walk and a long talk with my leader, I am aware of what I was doing wrong and I am ready to make it right again! Wish me luck ;) I am going to slap that old me in the face and get back into the right frame of mind, I have to remember that this weight loss is like that 5K hard, long, tiring but damn sure worth every step and there is going to be a finish line if I just keep walking :) I am so grateful for a friend like Nikki, I am grateful for all my support. I will end this with a pic of us at the finish line, and yes we always look that damn good ;) Thanks for reading and this time I mean it until next Sat~
fatgirlsaywhat~V!
